"Waiting" and why am I so pissy??

Warning- this blog is not PC... If you are reading this - expect to be outraged -not happy with that? move on- I haven't sugar coated my feelings or altered them for the public arena here for a change ...

Okay- so it's been a wimpy 7 months that we've been waiting, add 3 more on for paperwork, and 12 more on for picking an agency and another 24 for the "time to be right" and viola you have your real total but to make us all feel better the agency's start when it's all done. For us that was 7 months ago on January 5th.

On this date that like planning for your wedding date- is etched in your skull- they add you to this "magical waiting list"- only catch - no number -so the list is really in their heads not yours. Unlike your wedding- there's no "count down". Your friends will get pregnant, have babies and it feels like they are going to graduate while you.. wait wait oh and have I said ..wait..

It's a magical list -like the north pole. You just have to believe the toys really are made there- and that they are the products of elves- not child labor- really. They won't tell you the place you hold in the list - just the promise that chrismas will come and you will get toys. Or if you can't relate- how about .. It's more like a Scandinavian line. Ya know- they all crowd the counter and are fairly polite to one another as they smash up toward the front of the "line". can't relate- now this is an experience- go to Oslo airport the Friday before Christmas- and have the privilege of the "Scandinavian" line. Just put your funny people watching hat on... it's entertaining if you conjure up the right space/time giddiness (that could be it's own blog entry but I'm busy venting here).

Back to the agency (ours is actually from what I hear pretty informative compared to others) know exactly how to capture you. They keep inviting you to these calls or send you emails to which you wait on the edge of your seat for- and on the calls and in the emails they tell you "nothing, nothing, nothing". Of course- they want to tell you something- so they tell you the same thing but in a more creative format-of course no one comes right out and says "that's the same answer you gave last week, I thought I'd be cleaver and assume you didn't understand it and re-ask but please stop treating me like I can't handle the information because of some "random" experience you've had and just tell me-- Where do I stand in your Freekin line? What is the criteria of the people ahead of me? Just answer- "We are seeing our number of applicants more than double, we don't have enough kids for the demand- hold your damn horses or don't ask for an infant..." Oh wait... I know.. Knowing the number just causes more stress because people can move around and your number will change. Ugh- well at least if my number changed you could email me that- and it would be a "valuable" email.

It's almost like people at the Agencies are all news anchors before becoming social workers. They Captivate you into staying up for the 11:00 news and then spout hype and garbage at you in the form of "updates". (don't make that face-you know you have all felt that way at least once- especially if your house gets any of the Fox "news" channels). Anyway- this is not a rag on the agency or the news.. the fact that the agency is handling un-surmounted demand for international adoptions- or on the media- even though they publicized the celebirty adoptions we all want babies... That's the real problem. There are lots of children- it's just there is a huge line for babies...

It's just that we're all waiting "as one parent put it and it so cracked me up that I just have to repeat it" .. we're all waiting (including the agency) for the "magical mystery bus" to pull up at anytime of the night and deliver children who have been relinquished from their families. How incredibly stressful it is to say this and think about - perhaps for you to hear it family-but what we're all so damn anxious for - is for a "magic bus" with the right formula of children to - beep it's horn and drop off recently relinquished children into an orphanage... so we can come an scoop them up and give them the "American dream". It's heart breaking.

That image I have had of "helping the world" through adoption- it's totally crap now. There are so many people "in line" or "on the list" for children that my "we are the world" syndrome you heard me harp about since I was in 6th grade is CRAP... IN fact there are so many families that a want to adopt now that it's increadably selfish of me to still want to do this. So- even though I've wanted this for what feels like my whole life (thank you Michael Jackson- for this torment)- and wanted and waited for the right time for this to be one of the ways I really make a difference- it's now time for the harsh reality of "trends"... yes.. Adoption has become popular and instead of acting earlier in life and being a leader- now I am a follower- dragging children out of his/her culture so I can fulfill my dream of adoption while rocks are thrown at me by the native culture and the orphanage hides my hideous selfishness while I am there.

There now- doesn't that leave you feeling nice and fuzzy inside?? And to think- I can freekin have kids!!! Ugh!!! Perhaps I should just decline the referral and feed the family that relinquished the children tons of cash... Wouldn't it be better? Or just plain move to Ethiopia. The day we stabilize their internet- I might just do that... By that time- they'll need internet security - won't they?

Is there really anything else to think about? I've already reached the point where we just smile and grin and try to say "we're adopting with enthusiasm" and to people we know- Yeah, we're still waiting-but we're soo cool! We're busy, we're Hip (don't burst my bubble here just go with it)- We're Hip, and we're active. So why am I so damn pissy? Isn't this what I wanted? I've a determined woman - successful- and I'm getting what I wanted- so again- "why am I so damn pissy?" ahhh the world is a strange place...

I'm queen of "done it all" and dragged the dear husband a long for every joyous moment of it- I mean when you read " I wish we had or could have, should have, would have" .. man we've written the book... There are a couple of things outstanding- basically the house. So- If I have could have, would have, and might have done it all- and more.. Why am I so damn pissy?

I hate it when people ask about the adoption, I hate that I haven't "improved" my career while I "wait"- okay-so change of plans..change of perspective.. we focused on Ethiopian cuture, cooking and meeting people (looking forward to continuing this), we've met adoptive families and gotten "involved", we've enriched our lives with Church and local friends, taken romantic trips and family related trips, we've gone out with the guys/girls respectively. We're getting fit and we've taken a gaggle of parenting classes. I read a "wish we had done before starting a family list" today- and we've done everything that is not house related.. so what's left??

Let's see:
Plan a trip and surprise him on his Birthday with it-- Local or far??
Go see girlfriend
Denis go away with Guy friends
finish the basement (hire somebody)
paint and stencil the play room
buy kids furniture (??)
find a place for all of the furniture that doesn't fit in my too small house (we downsized and now we're having a family???)

Okay-I think I've sufficiently exhausted you all.. and for now- I'm no longer "quite as pissy" thanks :-).