Waking up after the "waiting game"

I have been thinking about the wait and the referral experience the past few days. I've decide for me- It was kind of like taking a long nap from my life. You wake up energized and renewed.

Before our referral-I had "in my head" that I was doing fairly well through out the wait-but I realized that I had not been doing well in fact. I had a real "light dawning on marble head" kind of moment this morning-laugh.

I said to my DH - I'm feeling kind of motivated this morning. I think he wanted to choke on his cereal-and spew coffee across the table. It looked something like-Hurray.. it's about "freeken time" masked with his loving and caring smile (a funny and entertaining view from my vantage point).

It's hard to say this so publically- but I haven't done a darn thing since I came home from Ethiopia. I haven't participated in supporting my home, getting my certs, I haven't finished opening the non-profit, I've gained weight and not cared-thus not taken care of myself, I've not really caught up with our friends as I have nothing to really talk about. In fact I've done little to nothing.. I have just been existing.

For instance- my calendar-which usually requires much "scheduling" to see people-is literally empty. No church appointments, no volunteering, little work, no social appointments -no life.

For anyone that knows me-and is use to "booking time with me" -this is pretty freeky. I woke up this morning-checked my calendar and thought to myself- how unusual. There's nothing but a hair apt and doctor's apt. on all of January. hmmm. Sure- I have my bouts of exhaustion where I cancel-but it's usually due to over-doing it. Have I been "hybernating" like a bear perhaps? I know I've been growling like one-laugh.

It looks like- - I got quite "depressed". Today it's kind of like waking up.. Not so much that it's freeky- I mean obviously I knew I was bummed out-but perhaps keeping myself busy enough to not notice how "bummed".

So with out further adieu- it's time for me to get back in the game. I've got a lot of catching up to do.

If your a close friend or family- you are probably saying- hey dumb ass- it's about time you noticed. Let's get out and play. If your an acquaintance- you're probably thinking- ohh so that's where she went-laugh. But most importantly- if you're a waiting parent- you might want to go and look at your calendar. Is it empty?? Have you crawled into a hole? I know you hear me..

And this blog entry is for you -the ones waiting. I know your dreaming of hearing something about what your family will look like-but it hurts- it hurts a lot-that the dreams turn into this anxious feeling and you are distracted from your life -as you twittle your thumbs and wait painfully for the stork to arrive.

I have one thing to say-Ya know- It sucks.. the wait totally and completely sucks. We got our referral and the whisper of this pain have not yet completely subsided- it's there- in the back of my head along with the joy.

To those of you who are waiting- It's okay-the waiting game sucks!!! You should feel free to jump up and down in your house yelling "this sucks this sucks this sucks". Heck- take it right on out to your front yard and do it- at least that way-you'll likely laugh at yourself.

I don't have to tell you all that there is a light at the end of that tunnel and it's a happy one. What I want to say is that when you get that referral- you'll feel like you "woke up"- and you'll be energized again. So, the heck with it- if you're not doing "everything" you should be- I say- THAT's OKAY. But you might want to check your calendar and see if it's empty-laugh. Perhaps add a few things on it.

So here's my solemn and truthful goodbye to the waiting part of our adoption. I'm off and running with so much to do.... I mean seriously-is somebody really going to give us kids???

I have to say though- to close this rant-that not once have I thought- Am I ready???

Hell YEAH I'm ready!!!

Hugs to all-you are in my thoughts,
KC